Things aren’t going terribly well.

I live a very confusing life. I’m not working, because I find it too stressful, but I’m also terrible at making friends, so I have none in my new city. I live with a man who supports me financially, am pregnant with his baby, love him, but argue with constantly. I am lonely and stressed out on a daily basis, because matters with my bf never become better. He is capable of accepting that I don’t work, but not capable of accepting my views on my own needs and disorder outside of that. He has no desire to be kind to me when he hurts my feelings, accidentally or not, any hurt feeling of mine is constantly reacted to with anger from him. I am miserable, he hates my country (is American, not New Zealander), and together we make up a pretty unhappy couple. But we love each other, and need each other. And so the stalemate occurs. I cry practically every day. The only thing I can think of now is distancing myself from him, not expecting emotional support, and trying vigorously to make friends. But then I become depressed about the notion of expecting him to fight me on every turn, like he has been. Then I cry more. I’m sick of crying, and I would really like to get somewhere reasonable.

He’s out of town, and calls me tonight: “Hi, how are you?”

Me: “I’m ok.” Been crying again.

“Were you going to call me?”

“I hadn’t decided to yet.” I was thinking about it.

“Oh, well, I’ll go then.”

“You just called to ask me that?”

This is my life. I feel suicidal often. I pray so much for answers. Nothing seems to help us, not honesty, not hard work, not love, nothing.